i was drawn to the ocean

i can't believe i'm 31 years old now.  i just really can't seem to wrap my mind around it.  It doesn't seem possible.  i think this birthday is even harder for me than 30 was for some reason.  i don't get it.

It was John's night to come over and spend time with the kids so Yay! Date Night for Milena and me.  Milena took me to my favourite restaurant, Oriental Wok, for dinner.  Many of you had dinner with me there last year for my birthday.  Sadly, Milena was absent then due to being in the hospital with gallbladder/pancreatitis woes.  Anyway, back to the present day.  We had a lovely dinner.  The food was delicious but the service was less than stellar which is VERY unusual for Oriental Wok.  Mike Wong runs a tight ship, he does.  Well, they brought over the gong and a little cake with a candle in it and several of them sang to me in Chinese--Happy Birthday.  i made my wish and also made sure to rub Buddha's belly on my way out.  i really really hope my wish comes true.

31.  i just can't get over it.

Remember the card and hateful letter Sgt. Brown sent me last year on my birthday?

Yeah well.

When we got in from our vacation, there was a card waiting for me.  From Sarge.

This year's card did NOT include a letter, thank goodness.

But it was very...  how to say this? ...

Christ-laden.

Cover:
"God Bless Your Birthday"

Inside:
"May the Lord bless you with a happy birthday and a wonderful year."

Signature:
"Dad"
(no closing)

There is a lot more that i want to say about my father's letter. i don't have the emotional energy or wherewithal to do so right now, but sometime soon i'm going to post some clarifications and background information. This is not simply a case of me being too hard on him or expecting too much of an old man that's set in his ways.

When i made my birthday post, i alluded to a card/letter that i received from my father. i am now ready to disclose the details.

THE ENVELOPE: Meticulously addressed in his typical control-freak fashion

THE CARD: simple little card with a big birthday cake and a PIG holding a fork on the cover. Text: "Happy Birthday, Daughter" Inside Text: "Have your cake and eat it, too. Today the world belongs to you! Have a great Birthday!"

THE ENCLOSURE: 2-page typed letter full of toxic homophobic judgmental passive aggressive projection and other negativity...but i'll let you decide for yourself.

( Here it is, in its entirety. i've even preserved his use of capitalization, punctuation, and underlining. )
Offensive Card .94
Postage .37
_________________________
Total 1.31 on his only child's birthday. It's not that i'm about the material crap, it's the principal...he spends thousands of dollars a year on his step-sons, who were all 16 or older/in college when he became their step-dad.
Ruining my birthday Priceless

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
i didn't want to all-out ignore the card/letter for 2 reasons. 1. it would perpetuate his contention that i'm the "bad guy" and not even acknowledging receipt would be gross disrespect and 2. silence is acceptance. So i chose to respond. But i refuse to stoop to his level. i didn't want to send a scathing reply chock full of chip-off-the-old-block passive-aggressiveness. i sent him an e-mail. ( this is what it said )

Grats for Saturday night:

1. New CD player with birthday money means i can finally listen to CDs again!
2. bargains!!
3. Whatever Works Wellness Center (thanks, malanai for telling me about it!
4. "hannah" came out to play for a bit today (hopefully i'll have more to say about this later, in the bdsm filter - *wink*)
5. the beautiful Harvest Moon outside

Avery and Evan continue to be difficult as all-get-out. Also, today we ran out of Pull-Ups so Evan spent the day wearing swim diapers. Oops. Shelby stayed home sick from school today...she is feeling really cruddy. Poor girl. John picked Avery and Evan up around 5ish, and it was a late day at the office for Milena today, so my Mom took me out to dinner for my birthday. We went to Tony Roma's off Beechmont so that neither one of us would have to drive as far. It was about a half hour drive for each of us. It took *forever* for our food to come, and when it did, a manager brought it out and she was so apologetic and more than made up for the delay by comping my meal, giving us a card for a free appetizer, and giving me a complimentary bottle of their barbecue sauce. Not bad at all. i had barbecued chicken with loaded mashed potatoes (and they still believe in using green onions there!) and corn fritter casserole which is soooooooo delicious. Mom and i shared a reallllly decadent brownie sundae thing for dessert. Mom got me a gift card to Target, and also insisted on giving me some cash for gas. i only protested a tiny bit before accepting it.

It's really meant a lot to me, how many of my friends have wished me well today. <3

Also, i received some cards in the mail today. One of them was from my dad. At first i was happy that he actually acknowledged my birthday. Then i opened the envelope.

The card...said something about having your cake and eating it too. And if it weren't for the 2-page typed letter enclosed i probably would have figured he just had bad taste in greeting cards. i'm not going to go into detail about the letter right now, because damnit it's my birthday. In 10 minutes i'll be 28 years old, i had a nice evening with my mother, i'm getting ready to go snuggle with My Lady and i don't want to put a damper on the evening with my father's toxicity. i will say that it made me cry and made me feel violently angry, devastated, and rejected.

Et maintenant, grats.

Grat List:
1. Autumn
2. the Harvest Moon
3. my mom
4. my friends/chosen family
5. my health and safety (knock on wood)

My voice comes and goes. It just figures that when i was so young and naive, my voice was always there. Always there to make an ass of myself, to lie, to conform. And now that i'm a bit older and wiser, more often than not i cannot say what i want to say. It's too much effort and besides, what do i have to say that hasn't already been said.

Today i got a birthday card and gift in the mail from my grandma. She sent me a generous gift card for JCPenney. A very pleasant surprise. Also, Gina sent me something. i was surprised by that, too. On Friday i will be 28. i'm fat, tired, and crazy. The other day Dr. Kelly and i were talking about the fine line between genius and insanity, and how frequently mental illness and brilliance tend to go hand-in-hand, as well as certain mental illnesses with the musically gifted. But i am far from genius, and though musically inclined, certainly not gifted.

i wonder why i am feeling so melancholy and restless.

The other day i made my journal look more autumny.

Tuesday Night Gratitude List:
1. Only burned the tops of half the biscuits tonight
2. the way Milena makes me smile
3. learning, and my thirst for it
4. rest, when i get it
5. my health and safety (knock on wood)
6. my eyes
7. that i'm a woman
8. we'll be setting up our compost soon



"..threatened by shadows at night, and exposed in the light
Shine on you crazy diamond"

I got this message from Dad on my birthday:
Hello from Iraq but more importantly, HAPPY BIRTHDAY! I'm eight hours ahead of you so you still have plenty of birthday time ahead of you!! :-) I wish I could be there for your special day but we both know that is impossible. And I'm sure you've heard the news that came out last week whereas all currently mobilized & deployed USAR units are being extended over here to mean 365 actual days in Iraq/Kuwait & the demob + leave so it's possible that I could be here until April 6, 2004!

*SIGH*