i was drawn to the ocean

i am so weepy and i am absolutely drained. i feel like a useless being today, not quite human.

( But i'm not going to just whine... )

I found the notebook that I had done some writing in when I was preg with Evan. I made a list of my worries regarding having an unmedicated birth. Considering the way the birth ended up going, this list of worries seems funny now!

Worries (from June of 2002, pregnant with Evan)
1. Not being able to stand the pain
2. Not recognizing true labour / "false alarms"
3. Not being able to relax
4. Having to have a C-Section
5. Being away from Avery
6. Being embarrassed/self-conscious, particularly with doula
7. Having to fight for my wishes to be respected
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I wrote this yesterday on the way to Sellersburg:
Prozac
I won't be your slave
Another day
Even if it's bad
I'd rather feel it
If it's real
Synthetic contentment
Will no longer be
My "Good Enough"
I'm having a renewal
A realization
An actualization
And I can feel,
I can feel
That I can care for myself
With a bit of assistance
From the Great Goddess in my soul
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Sellersburg
We went to Sellersburg yesterday. It was nice getting to visit with justDon and Gina. Not that I don't like the rest of the fam, it's just that when we all get together it can be pretty chaotic. We went to Huber's and it was soooooooo much fun! First, we got something to eat at their outside eating area which they call the ChuckWagon. Shelly was there helping out (I really enjoyed seeing her without one of her stupid derby hats on, little makeup, and not looking all dolled up!)and she was very kind to us. She waved us through the line, saying that was pretty much standard procedure--family doesn't get charged. So that was a nice surprise. Then Matthew played for a while on the swings, teeter-totters and slide. He really had a great time. Then we all stood in the farm animals/corn cutout to have our picture taken. What a hoot! On to the pony rides. Avery gets scared, so he just watched but he thoroughly enjoyed watching! Matthew rode on a beautiful chestnut-coloured pony. Next we went through the Corn Maze. I paid for everyone's ticket since Gina had insisted on paying for Matthew's pony ride. I accidentally bought one too many tickets so I gave the extra one to a family waiting in line to purchase tickets for themselves. So we go into the corn maze. It was pretty cool! I only got panick-y once or twice...not bad considering. Of course, I couldn't resist whispering loudly to John, "If you build it, they will come." lol. Cheesy, I know. Then to the country store, which was extremely crowded, so another minor panic attack for me. I stopped near the apple butter and breathed deeply while passers-by looked at me curiously. Bought some Sarsparilla,yum! Usually, I only get that when I go to Rabbit Hash. But something happened that's never happened before--I got heartburn from the Sarsparilla! Bummer! So back to the outdoor eating/sitting/oompah-band area. Gina took Avery over by the lake to see the ducks, Matthew played on the slide, etc. some more. The oompah-band starts playing The Chicken Dance! (for some reason, down in that area they call it the Duck Dance...what's wrong with these people!?) Anyway, a bunch of little kids and 3 old ladies were doing the Chicken Dance, so I just marched right up and joined in! I figured, shit, you only live once! Everybody seemed to think it was pretty humorous that I was doing the Chicken Dance with Evan in the sling! (he was in the sling the whole time we were there) I just made sure to support his little self with one hand during the shake-your-butt-and-scoot-downward part.

Back to Don and Gina's. We looked at some pictures and Gina made some yummy iced tea. Then we went to visit Grandma Gertrude. I had brought along a bottle of pumped milk, so Gertrude got to hold and feed Evan. Gertrude had a terrible bruise on her hand. She is 81 years old, same age G.G. would be if she were still living. Driving home, John told me that he felt sad that we didn't get to see his family, especially Gertrude, very often. We talked about maybe getting a hotel room down there over Thanksgiving week-end and actually staying a couple of days instead of driving back home that night like we usually do.

John got so tired driving home, he could barely stay awake. My friend Kent from high school was killed in a car accident on that same stretch of road, because he fell asleep at the wheel. So we turned off the heat and I talked to John to keep him awake. Usually, you can't shut me up, but it was really hard to think of things to say! I guess because I was tired too, and kind of "on the spot."

So we got home and watched The Practice. Pretty uneventful evening once we got home.

Evan is finally napping, so I think I'll go try to take a nap myself! Here's hoping...