i was drawn to the ocean

( Yesterday was a total emotional rollercoaster. )

i am so weepy and i am absolutely drained. i feel like a useless being today, not quite human.

( But i'm not going to just whine... )

i got some things done around the house today that needed to be done. i also had a dr. appointment thanks to kerinda for the referral and for taking me to it and watching Avery and getting Evan off the bus and picking me back up again!

Soooo...the dr. appointment. Basically i just went in and told her what all i needed. i had made a list. :-) She wrote me scripts for lithium, Prozac (which i had run completely out of), Ativan, and Midrin for my migraines which have been more frequent lately. She gave me some advice on my bowel issue, and ordered labs for me. Finally, i had that lithium level done! i didn't get to talk to her about my knee pain, but other than that, i accomplished everything i wanted to. They have a lab right there in their office, so i was able to get that taken care of on site. The phlebotomist took 3 large vials of blood (from a butterfly needle in my hand). They're running CBC, metabolic panel, B-12, and the lithium level.

My poor Milena started feeling *terrible* at work today. i think she has a kidney infection. She came home from work much earlier than usual and got a nice nap in. Then a little bit later in the evening, we drove down to northern Ky for some errands.

Monday Night Grat List
~ Milena's love
~ kerinda helped me out so much and in so many ways today
~ malanai
~ nostalgia
~ hearing The Moody Blues on the way home tonight
~ classic rock
~ Pierre M. with his delightful accent and tufts of hair sticking straight up on his bald head
~ Mark finally got "the planter" out of our yard!!!
~ eye candy (speaking of Mark)
~ got some knitting done tonight
~ my blurred vision didn't last too terribly this afternoon
~ my bowel problems seem to be getting better (knock on wood)
~ listening to music that speaks to my soul
~ the dryer's done, so i can switch over the laundry and go on up to bed now

Sunday Night Grats:

1. Matthew was SO good while he was here over the weekend
2. A very pleasant weekend with Milena and the boys
3. Shelby took Avery and Evan out to play in the snow the other night
4. Shelby lit the crisis candle when we were out in the bad weather the other day
5. Shelby was in a really good mood this weekend and even watched a movie with us
6. Got Evan's mittens done
7. i can knit mittens now!
8. my friends and chosen family
9. hope
10. coupons
11. Matthew was very helpful (as he usually is) at the store
12. i managed to stay within my extremely meager grocery budget (i had less than $70 to spend to feed our family of 5 for the week) and still got everything we needed including some higher priced items like razor blades
13. humourous moments with my kids
14. taking lorazepam less often

Psychotic episode today. Worst one ever, i'm pretty sure. i thought this was it. i really did. i'm not really ready to talk about it at length, but if i'm a little spacey or absent or extra-crazy for a while, you know why.

12 hours later, i am recovering. Milena and i both are. i was able to eat some dinner, which was my homemade mac and cheese so yummmmm comfort food. i've also been very, very productive this evening. Milena and i did take a nap together while the boys napped and i would have loved to have just stayed in bed indefinitely, wallowing in my self-loathing and insane confusion, but i didn't let myself. i took a shower, got dressed, scooped 2 litter boxes, took out the trash, folded and put away several loads of laundry, probably at least half a dozen, made dinner, did the dishes, tidied up a bit in our bedroom and in the kitchen, and i currently have my 5th load of laundry in the washer. Hopefully i will sleep well tonight.

Tonights Grat List:
1. koskalaka
2. Avery and Evan are asleep upstairs in their room
3. kerinda
4. i'm alive
5. i've gotten a lot done this evening

That's what it feels like lately. Like I'm treading water. I'm
tired, but I can't stop or I'll drown.

I know I haven't had much to say lately. Most of you probably don't
know this about me but I suffer from mental illnesses including
bipolar disorder and OCD. Seems like when the bipolar is cycling
one way or another I get less able to talk about things that are
going on with me. My oldest son was recently diagnosed bipolar as
well. I have been reading up on early-onset (or childhood-
diagnosed) bipolar disorder, as well as doing a lot of introspection
lately.

We took our mini-vacation August 4-10. When we got back, there was
no way I could read everything and catch up on everything, but I
tried. We went to Louisville and on Tuesday we went to Waterfront
Park where I got some good walking in along the river. Wednesday
was the Louisville Zoo, so more walking. And even more walking
Wednesday evening because my in-laws who live just outside
Louisville in rural Indiana, kept the kids for us so John and I
could go out for a "grownup" dinner. We went to KingFish and
afterward took a stroll by the river. More walking on Thursday, as
we went to Kentucky Kingdom. Thursday night, we drove down to
Nashville because John had a meeting set up with a production
company on Friday. While he was at his meeting, the kids and I hung
out at Opry Mills Mall. Boy would I love to go back there when I
have more money and more time! There were a lot of outlet stores in
there including The Children's Place, Liz Claiborne, Elisabeth,
Dockers, etc. I did buy a pair of jeans and a long denim skirt at
Elisabeth...got them both for about $30 and then got a free bottle
of Curve perfume to boot! Anyway, I wasn't feeling well and I was
in a hurry, so I didn't try them on...I figured I'd be able to get into both items in a month or two. Well, when I tried them Friday night, they were too big! A pleasant
surprise, but still...*grump* So I'll either be consigning them or
taking them to a clothing swap. Friday afternoon we drove back up
to Louisville and unfortunately hit rush hour traffic through
Nashville. Grrr. We dropped the kids off with my in-laws (well the
older 2, we kept Evan with us because he is still nursing)and spent
the rest of the weekend at a Convention which included getting to
spend Friday evening with Kelly and her husband!

So I think my computer problems are pretty much fixed. *crosses
fingers*

Matthew went back to school today. Thank goodness. He has been
extremely, um, challenging lately.

While we were on vacation, John and I decided that we were pretty
much going to eat what we wanted but not go completely hog-wild. We
got back last Sunday night, and when I got on the scale Monday
morning it said I was up 4.5 lbs (gasp!) John and I both started
back at Phase One for the week. I sneak-peeked at the scale
yesterday morning, and it said I'd already lost 1.5 lbs of what I'd
gained. So I'm not overly worried about it.