i was drawn to the ocean

Matthew was in rare form today. *shakes head* He was just plain awful. I was so glad when he fell asleep for the night!

John needs to get his hair cut, like, yesterday LOL. It is pretty bad. Maybe tomorrow evening. Or something.

Amber will be here again tomorrow because she is having her wisdom teeth removed on Wednesday and will need the rest of the week off. I must remember to send her a card.

Another fabulously healthy dinner this evening. We had grilled chicken breasts, broccoli and cauliflower, and side salads.

I have been bruising so easily lately. I have always bruised pretty easily but lately it has been particularly bad. John is pretty worried about it. I have also noticed that my extremities have been going numb or "falling asleep" a lot. Very strange. Very puzzling.

So my aunt called my mom and said she had some work done on the van. And now she wants 2500 for it instead of 2000. Arrrrgh! That really pisses me off. She already told us 2000 and we are family for goodness' sake. And of course we still have to finalize getting John's car ready to sell before we can do anything. Maybe it isn't meant to be. We shall see.

Gratitude list:
1. beautiful weather this weekend
2. ran into Desi this evening
3. memories
4. coping
5. a few minutes to myself

Matthew goes back to school tomorrow (later today) He has been on Spring Break. Also Amber should be back to work. She went out of town with her family for Spring Break. So it will be nice to have some help again.

I have so much that I need to write down but I am just so tired all the time! Ah well, maybe tomorrow.

I'm having an Adam Sandler Wedding Singer moment...you know the part where he sings
SOMEBODY KILL ME, PLEASE!!!

So anyway.

I drove two hours in the pouring rain to try to give an ungrateful child a good day during his Spring Break. And then drove over an hour over from Columbus to Dayton. Sat in the car and nursed Evan while Matthew had TKD. And then drove over an hour home again. All this with no help, mind you. Amber is out of town for Spring Break so I'm on my own this week. I am exhausted. I am drained. And now I have managed to piss off my mother. And too many people want too many damn things from me that I just don't have to give anymore. Assuming I ever did in the first place.

More, later, when the shit stops hitting the fan. Hopefully. But just in case it doesn't stop, here's my Gratitude List:
1. I made it home without killing all of us by falling asleep at the wheel
2. Safe passage throughout our excursions today, including during the torrential rain
3. Tomorrow has to be better. Right? Right?
4. Hope
5. COSI has reciprocacy with the Cincinnati Museum Center, where we are members, so all I had to pay for was parking

Amber worked for me on Monday. A couple problems arose as a result of that.

1. Amber announced to me that her dad is going to make her pay for her own car insurance (wtg, dad!) and even though she would make enough in one week working for me to pay for it each month, she is going to be getting a part time "real" job. So, I don't know how much longer I will have her. Waaaaaaaaaaaa! She did say that she might still be able to work for me, less hours, or something. I don't know, I guess I'll just have to wait and see what happens. And I just paid $30 for her to take that Save the Baby class with us!

2. I had written down on her schedule that she was to work from 3-8:30 on that day (Monday) because I needed her to go up to Dayton with me for Matthew's TKD. I know for sure that is what I had written down. She insists that her schedule said 3-6 p.m. Garr! So she couldn't go up to Dayton with me because we usually don't get back until almost 8 p.m. So I worked out a plan with John that I would pick him up from work right at 5 p.m. and then we would hightail it up there, maybe get there a few minutes late.


March 10 1998 my grandmother passed away. I still grieve. I still miss her. Sometimes I still have dreams about her. How I long to spend just a few hours with her...

Matthew's TKD class went well. It was the last class that we had already paid for. Kinda hard to believe it's been that long already. Anyway, I spoke with Mr. Matt after class. He said that Matthew is ready to move up to the next class. That is good news! I feel very proud of Matthew and I am glad that Mr. Matt is confident that he is ready to progress. The time of the class is a little bit different, so I will now have to pick Matthew up at the end of the school day on TKD days, instead of waiting for his bus to get home. But we will get home a bit earlier in the evening. So I think in general it will work out well.

John and I agreed not to get each other anything for V Day. So he comes home last night with Matthew, after Matthew's basketball practice, with roses for me. :-)

We had Olive Garden carryout by candlelight with Tara and Ken, and Tara said a lovely little blessing for us (at my prodding!) We also listened to pleasant music. Evan seemed to like the music too.

Poor Evan has really not been feeling well. I took him to Dr. Kelly yesterday. His temperature had gotten as high as 103.8--and Tylenol/ibuprofen wasn't bringing it down any lower than 100.3. He is terribly congested, had crud coming out of his eyes and nose. Poor little fella. After only 3 doses of the antibiotic from Dr. Kelly, Evan is already doing much better. He is still not his usual self, but he is much better. Avery still has a runny/snotty nose, and a little bit of a cough, but other than that he is fine. Matthew can't seem to shake his cough, either. :-(

I called Dad earlier this evening to see if he was going to have any time off tomorrow. He said they are now restricted to the base, even on their time off. Last weekend, they were allowed to leave the base on Sunday, but they couldn't go more than 50 miles away. He is still not sure when he will be leaving the country, but it will be soon. When I called, I actually woke him up. Unintentionally, of course. He said he was having trouble sleeping anyway, though, because of field exercises/cannon firing/etc going on. Of course, soon he will be sleeping in a tent, so he's not compaining too much.

We tried to take Avery to get his picture made today because I had a coupon that expired today, but he just wouldn't have anything to do with it! He was in a real odd-duck kind of mood. I think he was just cranky and hungry. He was being really sensitive. So we weren't able to get it done. Oh well. No big deal. I gave the coupon to someone else (it was for a free 8X10 and 8 wallets for 9.95) and she was so glad to get it because she had left hers in her car, and she was dreading having to go back out to get it in the cold and freezing rain. So I was glad that someone would get to use it, anyway. We had gotten together with Tara and Ken again, and Ken gave me a coin to make a wish at the fountain. I wished for peace.

We haven't gone to the grocery store yet, because it was just getting too nasty out. I also didn't get to go to the peace rally up in Dayton that I had wanted to go to today, because of the weather. There's no way I would have dragged Evan out in that! Of course, he was with us this afternoon when we were out and about, but that was mostly indoors, or in the car. The peace rally would have meant being outside for about two hours.

Also stopped by Motherhood Express today to get re-fitted for nursing bra. I have gone down a band size and a cup size! Woo hoo!!!!!!! She didn't have the size I needed in stock, so she is ordering them in for me and will call when they are in. They were also taking sign-ups for a Save the Baby class--infant/child cpr, first aid, etc. So John, Amber, and I are going to take that. We will be paying for Amber, of course. If anybody in this area is interested, let me know. It's better, and less expensive than, the classes given by the American Red Cross.

Whenever we see Dr. Kelly, he makes a point to mention to me what a good mom I am. I think he knows that I struggle with depression and anxiety. And of course feelings of inadequacy. He is the sweetest man. We actually considered naming Evan after him! Of course, now I can't imagine Evan being named Charles.

Mom got me a little V Day present, too. I totally wasn't expecting that one. She always buys me ladybug stuff since I sort of collect ladybugs. I say sort of, because I originally started collecting ladybugs because when Lori and I were such good friends, she always called me Ladybug. Well, now we don't talk at all anymore. I haven't even spoken to her since right after Avery was born. So that's almost two years now. So as much as I love ladybugs, and collecting ladybugs, I have this little Lori twinge...I feel sad about it. I feel like she used me when she was a sales rep for the company I worked for, and then abandoned me as a dear friend and mother figure when I left the company. I really enjoy collecting faeries! No sad twinges there! But, I really don't have anywhere safe-from-little-hands to keep "pretties." Maybe someday...

I had two very strange dreams last night. In one dream, we were at Goodwill and John wanted to buy a garment bag, like the kind you would use on a trip/luggage type. And I saw a headboard that I wanted to buy for our bed, but John didn't want to buy it and I was really upset about it. The headboard and the garment bag were both extremely ugly/gaudy, and I wouldn't even consider buying either one in real life. So it was a very odd dream. Then, in the other dream, I was in a play, and I hadn't learned my lines and all the other actors were getting really mad at me! And there was some really skinny guy playing my friend Jason, who in real life, is totally not skinny!

Overall, it's been a pretty good weekend so far. My flowers smell so nice. I need to take down the V Day decorations. All 2 of them, haha!

Got a little tipsy last night thanks to Kendall Jackson Chardonnay. A little embarrassing, but it was good to relax and let go for little while. I can't wait until ConCave! Today we mailed in our registrations.

...HOLY CRAP!

What a tumultuous day this has been. The day started off badly in a petty sort of way because when John and Matthew got back from Matthew's basketball game, John didn't wake me up so I could get ready for Weight Watchers. (I was napping with Evan, and Avery was still asleep in his crib) So anyway, I get up, take the fastest shower ever, get dressed and wait for Amber to arrive. She was supposed to be here at 10:30 a.m. This is now the 5th time she has been late in about 4 months. I needed to leave by 10:45 a.m. at the absolute latest to make it to my 11 am WW meeting. So at about 10:50 I call her house and her mom tells me that she woke up late and was on her way. Argh! I am definitely going to have to have a talk with her about her tardiness, and I am dreading it. I mean, come on, if she were working for a "company" and was tardy 5 times in 4 months she would probably be on a written warning or some such by now! I wish I knew how to handle this situation...

So. In the car on the way to Weight Watchers, I am listening to NPR on WGUC, my favourite radio station, and I hear The News. I looked over at John with wide eyes, and he told me that he had heard about it already. I was in disbelief. It is just so sad. I feel so sad for the families of the astronauts that perished in the tragedy.

Now for the upswing. Again, in a petty sort of way, all things considered. I lost 3 pounds for a grand total of 15 pounds lost since Jan. 4 ! I was floored!

Had Evan's picture made at Sears today. He was such a grinner!

If you saw Cincinnati's Channel 5 News this evening at either 5, 6, or 11 p.m. you probably saw my dad, 1SG Richard Brown, and his new wife as they said goodbye (I'll probably get to go down to Ft. Knox to say goodbye to dad, Mary Kay won't be able to due to health concerns) If you didn't see it on TV, check it out at http://www.channelcincinnati.com/news/1938853/detail.html
There's even a picture of my dad and Mary Kay kissing (ewwwww!)

I had a dentist appointment today. I told Dr. Taylor that my tongue still feels funny and I asked her to remind me what it was called--apparently it is called parastesia. That makes sense.

Matthew had TKD tonight. I talked to Mr. Matt about last Wednesday's class and he agreed to let Matthew have an extra class at the end of the six-week session. Turns out Mr. Matt is a Marine Reserve, so here's hoping he doesn't get called up. If he does, it could mean trouble for the school, because it is a non-profit organization run by him, and he teaches most of the classes himself. :-(

My allergies are bothering me today. I've never actually been to an allergist or anything, so I don't even know what it is that's aggravating me. Hmmmm...

Evan is wailing, wailing, wailing with teething troubles. Homeopathics, love, nursing, coldness, nothing is making him a happy camper. We got desperate and gave him some Infant Tylenol so hopefully that will kick in soon. Poor little fella.

Amber was late getting here today and made me late getting to my dentist appointment. That is like the 3rd time she's done that when I've been counting on her to be here by a certain time due to an appointment. I guess I'll have to have a little chat with her about it.

another poem:

3:13 a.m.; Gate 98

Which
One of you is real?
What was the
Fatal error?
Can you drive to Michigan?
Can you drive to the sea?
I scan your face
Yet I still don't see
Which one of you
Is real.

Your windows
Are terminally closed
Your system
Shut down
And in this convention of tired, lost souls
I still just wanna know
Which one of you is real?

Are you caught in the net?
Are you caught up in the moment?
I cannot connect with you
Without knowing
Which one of you is real.

=========================================
My computer just completely locked up on me so I had to reboot but I guess it's just as well because this time my connection speed is much faster! :-)

*sigh* Pretty difficult day today. Again with the lazy morning. Then I had to run out to get cash to pay Amber and I was also going to pick up some lunch to bring back home for Avery and I. So I leave here at 12:03. I drive less than 3 miles to the closest branch of my bank. Drive around the building to the ATM lane. The whole freakin Jeannie machine is boarded up! Argh, construction! The lanes for the real tellers were all really long lines, so I drive approximately half a mile to Kroger which has a 5/3 which has a 5/3 Jeannie drive-up ATM attached to it. There are about 5 cars in front of me, but, again, the real teller lines were just as long, and I was so not in the mood to drag both babies inside. So in exchange for the convenience of drive-up, I decide to wait out the line. Heh. I sit for over 5 minutes before the first car even moves. Next car pulls up to the ATM. All cars subsequently move forward a few feet. Back to sitting in line. I sit for over 15 minutes. Both babies have now begun to wail. But a car has gotten in line behind me, so I can't bail now. So I sit some more. Not even sure how long at this point. Too long. Now the lanes to the left of me are clear (real teller lanes) so I look around, and seeing that it is safe to do so, I turn around and drive the wrong way through the bank lanes just to get the heck out of there! I look at the clock. It is now 12:59. Penny is going to be at my house at 1:00. Oy. I head toward home, trying to think of where another drive-up 5/3 Jeannie might be. None nearby. So, in desparation, I pull into Provident. Oh the evil! Now, not only do I have to wait in line again, I have to pay a fee to do so! 2 fees, actually. So I take out my cash and drive to Wendy's. The line is wrapped almost 3/4 of the way around the building. But, no problem. The employees are muy rapido during the lunchrush and oh so efficient to boot! Get the food, head home, babies still wailing, pull in driveway at 1:13 and Penny was just then walking up to my door. So it all works out.

But, I almost forgot to mention, on the final leg of my trip, as I was driving home from Wendy's, there was a broken-down car, so I was waylaid yet again. Very frustrated, blood pressure soaring, ready to break down and cry, I took a breath and said to myself, 'ok, God is telling me to slow down. why? what am I supposed to be noticing? what am I supposed to see?'

And then it occurred to me--it was an absolutely beautiful day! Perfect, clear, crisp blue sky. The leaves on the trees had finally shed their green garments of summer and were displaying the brilliant colours of autumn. It was gorgeous! And I had been so hurried and so frustrated, that I didn't even notice. Well, as traffic finally started moving again, I changed the radio station to B105, and they were playing that song that goes, "it's a great day/to be alive." It was a really neat moment, in a cheesy kind of way. :-)

So I visit with Penny. Amber arrives. Amber cannot stay because she fell behind in one of her classes and her mom is making her study all week end. Well isn't that just great for me! Grrrr. I could do a lot of venting about this particular occurrence in my day, but I just don't have the energy right now.

Today's Gratitude List:
1. a gorgeous day today
2. wasn't late meeting with Penny after all
3. didn't spend a lot at the grocery store
4. the warm comfy sweater my cousin gave me
5. emotions

I have not had a soda in 6 weeks! And, Evan is 10 weeks old today.

*What is the farthest you've ever been from home?
Tijuana, Mexico
*Ever been on a plane?
yes
*Ever travelled by train?
yes, but it's been a very long time
*Do you prefer to drive, or be the passenger?
depends who's driving! :-) most of the time, I prefer to be the passenger
*Your ideal car/vehicle?
sadly (sort of) Toyota Sienna. in that pretty slate-blueish colour.

Wow! What a productive day! I am flying again! Never really quit, just puttered for a while during the early weeks of adjusting to our new family dynamics since Evan's been born. Not that I'm not still adjusting...

OK, so it was a lazy morning. I love lazy mornings. They just make me feel so guilty. :-(

Finally got my shower at about 2:00, prior to that I had put a pork loin roast with some potatoes and onions in the crock pot. Couldn't find the lid to the crock pot for anything! I can't imagine where it could be. Probably Avery wandered off with it...so finally I improvised and used a stainless steel pot lid. Hey, it worked! So after my shower I started some laundry and tidied up a bit. Amber got here a little early---yay! Evan was napping, so she played with Avery while I did more laundry, did the dishes, shined my sink (actually completely re-sanitized both sides of the sink!), dusted, cleaned the bathroom floor, swiffered the bedroom floors, vacuumed the hallway and the nursery, took out some trash. Then she put Avery's jacket on him and took him outside with her to get the mail while I vacuumed most of the living room and all of the kitchen/dining room. I cleaned up the kitchen table and even cleaned off both sides of the splat mat! After Matthew got home from school, I nursed Evan while she and Matthew took Sugar for a walk. Sugar got some yummy scraps today, by the way! Then she helped Matthew with his homework. He got every last bit of it finished. When Mom got home from work, she took Matthew with her to Bob Evans for dinner and to see Grandpa.

So I put on some curry rice, turned the crock pot down to low, nursed Evan again. The rice did not turn out well, but oh my gosh was that roast delicious! We had dinner, I did the dinner dishes right away. (!!!!) Did some more laundry. Oh, and for a surprise, I tidied up Mom's bathroom for her a little bit, and did some of her towels.

John and Avery went to run a few errands--return some library books, put gas in my car, and pick up milk and bananas. When they got back, and then Matthew got home too, John and Matthew carved his pumpkin. It looks pretty weird. Actually, it looks downright angry! We saved the seeds and roasted them, not to eat, but for Matthew to make a moracca(sp?)

When Evan poops, it smells like buttered popcorn. For real. It really does. Avery's did too when he was still breastfed...Does not stink at all. Almost smells sweet. Popcorn. Really. HOWEVER, when he makes gas, shoooooooooooooo-ey! *shakes head in disbelief*

Matthew has a field trip to Benton Farm tomorrow so he'll be sporting his long underwear under jeans and a sweatshirt. Sporting...that's such a funny word. But not as funny as spackle! With the all-important "k" sound, mind you.

While Amber was here, we did not have the TV on at all. We listened to Madonna, the Eagles, Blondie, and Enya. :-)

I am so much of a better mood with Matthew when Amber is here. He is easier to deal with, I have more help, and since she's not with hime full time, she has a lot more patience with him than I do.

Ah here we are again, another late night at The Young household. Or in the Young household, whatever the correct grammar would be.

My computer is moving really slowly...argh! Oh hey, that reminds me...I saw a pirate movie the other day...it was rated RRRRRRRR!!!! bwahahahahahahaha

Well, Avery had a well baby check up today...he is 26 pounds, 2 ounces. 33 inches in height. 90th percentile for head circumference and for height; 50th percentile for weight. He's a-growin'! :-)

Craigy's on...gotta love him! ;-)

Amber went with us to Avery's check up to help out, and I am so glad she did!

It was kind of a sad visit, because, there was a young girl (couldn't have been more than 14 or 15 at the most) in a Catholic school uniform, pregnant. Also, Dr. Kelly was telling us about one of his patients, over the week end, 3 years old died--she pulled a television over onto herself. Yikes.

Anyway, I got about half of my normal monday cleaning done while Amber was still here, after we got home from the doctor's office.

Lots lots lots to do tomorrow! Grandma is coming over at 9:30 to watch Avery for me...Evan has a 10:00 a.m. check up with Dr. Kelly (couldn't get both checkups on the same day without waiting forever), then I met with Amy at BVR at 11:30; then I have an appointment with Stephanie at 1:20. Aaaaaaaand, it's supposed to RAIN the whole bloody time! ARgh!

Oh, funny stuff.
(just the tv in the background)

OK, what a rollercoaster of a day, but all in all, a pretty good one. Sandy came over today and went with me to the dentist so she could keep an eye on the kids for me while I had my check up. Dr. Taylor is feeling better...turns out she had to be on bedrest for three days. But now Sharon, the receptionist, has done something to her neck. She is in a lot of pain and will be going to see the chiropractor. Evan wailed and wailed and wanted to nurse pretty much as soon as we got there. Fortunately, Dr. Taylor was very understanding about it and let me use an empty exam room to nurse him in. So my appointment ran a lot later than I was expecting it to, so I had to skip a couple of the errands that I had wanted to run afterward.

Well the dental check up pretty much sucked. Not painful or anything, Dr. Taylor is awesome!! But (and that's a big but!) I have to have work done on over half of my teeth!!!! Aaaack! Pregnancy truly does take its toll on one's teeth. I never had a cavity in my life until I was pregnant with Matthew.

So after the dentist appointment Sandy took me to O'Charley's for lunch...belated birthday lunch kinda thing...complete with singing servers! :-P Of course, before we went in, I had to nurse Evan again out in the car. Avery got ketchup and chocolate pretty much all over his face. Then stopped by ULH&P to pay the utility bill and the schmuck in the window rolled his eyes at me! RRRRRRR!!! He was lucky I was in a hurry! :-)

Oh, I almost forgot to mention the part where I burst into tears in Dr. Taylor's office because of panic/anxiety/stress...Gilda Radner was right...it certainly is always something!

Amber showed up! She showed up, she showed up, she showed up! Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaay! I hope she never quits! I love having a helper! And she's nice! And good! And down to earth! And so totally not-cheerleader-y! (a very imporant factor, donchaknow) She took Avery out back to play while I nursed Evan; fixed an after-school snack for Matthew and for herself; she and Matthew took Sugar for a walk, and made sure Sugar had fresh water; helped Matthew with his homework while I nursed Evan again.

I killed the printer today...fortunately John was able to resurrect it!

I may actually even get to bed at a decent hour tonight considering how much Evan has been awake and how often he has nursed today...

Well I managed to get a short nap in earlier this evening. And took Sugar for a little late-night walk. Matthew forgot to take his lunch to school today.

I have hired a mother's helper. She is supposed to start on Wednesday. I just hope she shows up.

The next few days are going to be pretty busy. I have a lot of calls to make tomorrow, too.

Back hurts....back hurts....back hurts....

That's today's mantra...

Went to the health food store, they finally had Chamomile Calm in and I got the last damn bottle! They also finally had ginkgo, as John is almost out. Of ginkgo, that is. lol.

I found a really cool website (2 actually) where you can find the name and artist of a song by typing in some lyrics!!!! Woot! They are www.leoslyrics.com and www.lyricfind.com. How cool is that.

Also, we went to Bigg's tonight, and I met a girl who is a sophomore at BCHS, and I approached her about the Mother's Helper position. She seems very interested. I have her number and will prolly call her on Sunday or Monday. She and her best friend were there helping one of their moms get groceries (at 10:30 on a Friday night). The mom person seemed slightly physically challenged and was in one of those scooter-chair-type-things. So I thought that was a bit of a testimony to her character in and of itself.

My order from Kerry shipped out today. I can't wait to get it!

Looks like Matthew's soccer game might get rained out tomorrow. It is supposed to rain, rain, rain. If so, I don't know what they'll do in terms of rescheduling b/c it is the last game of the season. Hrmm.

Well I'm feeling a little better tonight. Evan has been peaceful. I think he prefers John. Except for breastfeeding of course! lol. Maybe he'll be another daddy's boy like Matthew...who knows he's only 8 weeks old.

Talked to Penny for a little bit today. She called to thank me for sending her a birthday card. She actually received it in the mail right on her actual birthday. Me and my impeccable timing. Riiiiight.

I think John's getting irritated with me, so off I go to attempt sleep...oh but I have to mention, he brought me flowers today! Red roses, and they are beeee-you-teeee-full!!!